Uptown: Demetria L. Lucas The Anti-Reality TV, Reality TV Star

Screen Shot 2014-01-27 at 6.40.45 AM I don’t like watching reality TV shows, especially the programs that have a penchant for making Black folks look corny as hell. It’s not that I think I’m better than anyone who does enjoy these shows (like my sister, who says these programs help her de-stress after long days of school as she attains her master’s degree), but I just find the bickering and bullshit annoying (hell, I can get that in my own life). So when I heard that Bravo was releasing a new show called “Blood, Sweat and Heels“, I instantly rolled my eyes and attempted to change the channel as fast as I could – until someone very familiar popped up on my screen: Demetria Lucas.

I know Demetria through her strong writing as an advocate for the empowerment of Black women and an opinionated critic of relationships and everything that comes along with them. The reason I couldn’t change the channel was because I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that Demetria, a harsh critic of reality TV and its presentations of Black women, was doing on a show that, from the trailer, appeared to be everything she once denounced.

After watching the first episode, I realized something very significant about Demetria Lucas – of all the women on the show, she is not only the best at branding her business, but she is also (intentionally or unintentionally) positioning herself as an “anti-reality TV, reality TV star”. So getting the opportunity to sit down and talk with her was intriguing.

Lincoln Anthony Blades: The big question I have, as someone who writes and blogs, is how did this opportunity come up? And what did you think about it when it was first presented to you?

Demetria Lucas: Oh, my first thought was hell no. I’ve been approached to do reality shows several times, and someone reached out to my manager and said “we’d like for Demetria to consider it” and when she called me I was like “no, no, no this is not gonna happen. I’m not doing reality TV.” If you follow my work I’ve been very critical of the portrayal of Black women on television, and [my manager] was like “I think this is different, give it a shot” and I trust her, so I said ‘OK, let me see, I’ll hear them out.” So I met with the production team, I met some of the other ladies on  the show, and I liked that they all had good backgrounds and I thought maybe this would be different because the women here have something to lose. We’re not here to be famous, we’re not independently wealthy, we have to work for a living, so our reputations matter. So I think this might be something different and I think this might be a good opportunity. It took me a minute to sign on, but I eventually came around.

LAB: So, just to go off what you were saying before, there’s been a lot of campaigns like Michaela Angela Davis’ “Bury The Ratchet” campaign where she’s gone after everything from Love & Hip-Hop to Married to Medicine to the Real Housewives of Atlanta. If someone was to say that your show is like these other shows or asked you to prove your show is different, how would you explain that “Blood, Sweat & Heels” should not be considered ratchet?

DL: Well, I can say that there is no fighting, no bottle throwing, no over-the-top physical antics. I think you saw there is some psychological stuff, you know I got ambushed at a dinner table which I definitely didn’t appreciate. But you know what? Michaela has been a friend and mentor of mine for years. She is someone that I ran this by and she let me know very clearly what her expectations were of me. She’s known me for a while and she said “You know what I expect”. I hope, in that sense, that I gave it to her. But I do think the show tackles some deeper issues that working women deal with like, can a woman lead? How do you balance a career and a relationship? It gets tricky sometimes, but I think those conversations aren’t being had on Housewives. These women are married, most of them are in stable relationships and you don’t get the nitty gritty of that. We are all women who’ve sacrificed a lot of our personal lives in order to pursue our careers. And I think there’s always the question hanging over us of, was it worth it? Does it all balance out at the end? Do we get to have it all? So I think in that sense we are a little different than the other shows you see on television.

LAB: Recently, a lot of people have been saying that this is a great time for Black women in television because of Sasheer Zamata being hired on SNL with two other black writers, and shows like Being Mary Jane and Scandal, which have won awards. Do you think that your show contributes to what is a pretty good time for Black women in television?

DL: Absolutely. You know, for so long there’s been a conversation about Black women. There’ve been these studies and conversations on Nightline, The Washington Post and The New Yorkerand Psychology Today. Everyone was talking about Black women but this is the first time you’re really seeing Black women control their own narrative. In terms of Being Mary Jane, Mara Brock Akil is at the helm of that. Shonda Rhimes is at the helm of Scandal. For our show, we’re in control of what comes out of our mouths and  how we behave.

 

After the interview was over and I watched more of Blood, Sweat and Heels, its become even clearer that Demetria doesn’t fall into any typical Black reality TV caricature. She’s not a kept woman, or an anti-intellectual who thinks the underground railroad was an actual train. She’s not the backstreet brawler or the hood-chick playing bougie. It really seems like she’s essentially the voice of people with common sense who watch these shows shaking their head in disgust. In my opinion, Blood, Sweat and Heels (with this current cast) won’t do much to empower Black women or change the perception of professional African-American women in New York, but it may just be the platform to something bigger and better, kinda like the early ratchet Oprah years that preceded the far classier “Book Club” days.

Well, at least one can hope.

 

Read the complete article here

 

WaPo: Reality star Demetria Lucas makes time for her D.C. fans

Screen Shot 2014-01-29 at 1.25.52 AM  

“I’m a little tipsy so I’ll be very honest,” joked Demetria Lucas on Sunday night at a screening of her new reality show, Bravo’s “Blood, Sweat & Heels.” Eager fans wanted to know just how real the show actually is. Hint: Come on.

It’s been nearly a decade since Carrie and Big got their happy ending on “Sex and the City,” but that hasn’t stopped Maryland native Lucas from picking up the single-girl-makes-it-big baton — and running with it. Her relationship blog, A Belle in Brooklyn, crashed when the show premiered to 2.5 million viewers earlier this month and a revamped edition of her 2011 advice book, “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life,” is back on its way to book stores.

On Sunday night Lucas was joined by more than 150 of her closest fans at Lima lounge on K Street to cheer and jeer as the former Essence magazine editor navigated the quicksand of reality TV without getting sucked into the drama–or at least not completely. “I swear to god, I threw no punches, no drinks,” said Lucas, who is also a life coach. “I’m very much a lady on the show.” The same, of course, can’t always be said of her cast mates. Friendships are fast and loose and wine is on infinite tap in the series that follows six upwardly mobile women in New York City.

Moments before the wall of televisions switched from the Grammy telecast to the fourth installment of “Blood, Sweat & Heels,” Lucas, looking posh in a purple bandage dress by Asos, quietly retreated to a bar stool near the DJ booth. “I can’t watch myself on TV,” she admitted.

The crowd, largely made of up of young professional women with a penchant for skinny jeans and stilettos, came with Lucas’ book safely tucked under their arms like chic clutches. The receiving line of wide-eyed 20-somethings seemed never-ending. Perhaps a metaphor for Lucas’ career?

 

Originally published: here 

Black Enterprise Q&A: Demetria Lucas Talks Branding & Boss Moves

Screen Shot 2014-01-26 at 2.31.42 AMBravo’s newest reality show “Blood, Sweat and Heels” had an explosive 2.5 million viewer debut, and seems to be the fans newest reality “fix.” The show follows six up-and-coming black women as they struggle to succeed in the concrete jungle of New York City. Demetria, already becoming a fan favorite, is much more than your typical reality television star — she is about her business. Not only has she taken her blog A Belle in Brooklyn to national heights after writing a controversial blog which was the continued topic of conversation on the show, her brand(s) can also be seen integrated throughout the show on each episode. Already apparent from the first few episodes, Demetria has set her sights on building her multi-platform brand, and advancing her career to her next level. Somewhat of an industry veteran, the former Essence relationship editor is also a criticically acclaimed author, life coach and award-winning blogger.

BlackEnterprise.com caught up with Lucas as she discusses the challenges of exposing her life on reality television, her latest project “Don’t Waste Your Pretty,” and expanding her brand.

Black Enterprise: As somewhat of an industry veteran, what made you decide to do the show?

Demetria Lucas: I’ve been approached about doing some form of reality show before Bravo. What led me to it was the focus on professional women working in the city and on professional life. Over the years I have blogged and shared tons of life story as well as about my business. My book [A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Lifeis very all in. I thought this was an opportunity to share life in video and for people to see it and not picture in their minds. It was also a chance to show my professional career.

Do you think being on a reality show, especially because of some of the negative criticism that reality shows now receive, will tarnish your brand in any way?

Doing a reality show is always big risk, and I realized this especially on the day after the super trailer was released. I was and have always been very candid about my perception of reality TV. I didn’t see women like me in media. I’ve talked about images of women on reality TV for years. When I was approached, producers knew my critique of reality television, and I thought it was opportunity to show a different side. However, I can’t speak for other castmates and can’t speak for what everyone does on the season.

After months of filming, was the show what you thought she you getting herself into?

No. You don’t’ know what it is until you’re actually in it—the idea of cameras being trained on you all the time. What you’re doing is being aired to millions of people with millions of different opinions. I was very cautious. I found myself thinking a lot and having delayed reactions because you want to be yourself but also be conscious of how you’re acting on television.

How shocking was it for you to hear that other black women of color don’t believe that women should serve in leadership roles?

I would have never thought in a million years a woman would say that. If you’re in a certain environment with women who struggle to get things out [of]  life, then you would think 'I understand where this is coming from. ' Then I would say, “OK, I get that.” To my knowledge everyone on the show has a business or a brand. I was shocked that an actual woman would say that they don’t believe a woman would lead. At first I was like are they doing this for the cameras. I was really sitting there in shock like OMG.

Do you believe the stereotype that black women don’t support each other to get ahead in their careers?

People constantly talk about black women are not supportive of each other. I’ve been to the panels and discussions. I hear it, but that’s never been my experience. My first job was at BET and they were the ones that pushed me to say you can do something with your writing. Most people know me from ESSENCE and was an office filled with black women. When Angela Burt Murray was Editor-In-Chief, she was the one that said, “I read your blog I think it’s so good, I think you should have a column.” She really pushed me and believed in me. I feel that about the rest of the office. I’ve never had that experience. I don’t know if I’m very rare or I just don’t promote that stereoptype.

You’re notoriously private about her relationship with “CBW” as you call him. Why did you decide to include him on this very public TV show?

That’s more his thing then it is mine. He’s a behind the scenes type of guy. We talked about showing my life and he’s a huge part of my life. We thought it would be odd to not show him. I’ve [written a blog] for 6 years, I had a column [about my life] in a magazine. I give bits and pieces [of my story], I give enough. If you’re expecting big blows up and fights [between us] that’s not how we get down in the real world.

What’s next for you and your brand?

The next book – “Don’t Waste Your Pretty"-- is a hard core advice book based on the Formspring I’ve done over as the past 3 years. I’ll be delving more into [advice]. The book is the nitty gritty version of the advice I give online, not as much narrative as my previous book “A Belle In Brooklyn.” I’ll also launching 15 city speaking tour from March to December in US and South Africa called “Conversations With Belle.”

Originally published here

Mommy Noire: How to be the Belle of Your Own Life

Screen Shot 2014-01-23 at 2.14.41 AMDemetria Lucas is much more than just the latest reality star. The educated beauty and southern belle is a journalist, life coach and award-winning blogger. You can find her on Twitter giving relationship advice or on the web’s most popular sites with her often controversial opinion pieces that are right on the money. The word "socialite" is bandied about way too much but in this case it’s appropriate. Demetria’s “Cocktails with Belle” are a fun, NYC staple and her bestseller “A Belle in Brooklyn” left fans hungry for more. This is Demetria’s moment and she is representing us well. She’s holding her own on Bravo’s hit, new series “Blood, Sweat and Heels” and also releasing a new advice guide, “Don’t Waste Your Pretty.” Let’s see what we can learn from this woman about town about life, love and personal power…

Abiola: Welcome, Belle. Let’s talk about your newest book, “Don’t Waste Your Pretty.” What motivated you to write it?

As a life coach and dating and relationship expert, I talk to women all the time. I pinpointed some very key mistakes that we make when it comes to dating and relationships.  And it’s just because we were never taught.  So “Don’t Waste Your Pretty” is really about not wasting your effort, not wasting your energy, not wasting your looks–because that’s important, too–on the wrong guy.

Sometimes we meet somebody and we get so caught up in emotions that we want things to work.  We want him to be a great guy and just the facts in front of us are not really panning out.  He’s not willing to commit. He’s not treating us the way that we want.  He’s not picking up the phone to call; he’s just texting. So I’m trying to get women to see who’s a good catch, who deserves their energy and who they should just pass on by.

Abiola: You always come from a place of women’s strength and women’s power. You’re also a ‘woman’s woman’ in real life. Anytime that there has been an opportunity for you to recommend my name or open the door for me, you have. Thank you. With that same ‘woman’s woman’ energy you have an exciting, new show, “Blood, Sweat and Heels.” Miss Demetria, you are officially you a Bravo-lebrity.

It’s such a fun ride.  The Bravo-lebrity thing is just so weird to me.  I've watched Bravo  obsessively like Saturday afternoons and it’s raining outside I lay in bed and watch Bravo. I have my wine at night for Sundays and to turn on to the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” and “Married to Medicine” ladies.  So, it’s very exciting. It’s very humbling as well. “Blood, Sweat and Heels” is all about the personal and professional lives of black women in New York City and there are so many of us that could have been picked for the show.  You’re here so you know. We grind, we hustle, we put a lot on the back burner in trying to pursue our dreams.  So, I’m just very honored to represent those women who are on point and will be really looking to see a representation of themselves on television.

Abiola: What do you think of your portrayal so far in the series?

The response that I’ve been getting has been absolutely overwhelming.  You put yourself out there, you never know if people are going to like you or [how] they’re going to respond to you.  What I’m getting more than anything is “strong, independent and proud.”

Just to be transparent, I’m a journalist. I’m known for the Essence background. I’ve been very critical of the way that some women behave on reality television. And so when it was announced that I was part of the show, people were like, “What have you done? What are you doing?” And [people who know of me] weren’t really sure what to expect.  So, that hurt a little bit.

But since the episodes that have come out people are like, “I respect what you’re doing. I see what you’re doing with the brand. It’s all over the show. I didn’t get it but I got it now.” It’s like, “Carry on, D.”  It’s like, “We trust you with this now.”

Read more: here

The Root: A Life Coach Exposes Her Life to TV Scrutiny (A Long Q&A)

Screen Shot 2014-01-03 at 6.18.53 PMWe’re witnessing the democratization of celebrity. There’s the selfie phenomenon, and those impromptu photo shoots in which everyone seems to take part, even for the most unceremonious occasions. The exploitation of our ordinary lives is faciliated by Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and Facebook. Our lives are everywhere. Everyone is everywhere. Everyone is special, therefore no one is special. The same goes for being famous. In 50 years, some predict everyone will be followed around by cameras.

But until then, we are all guilty of indulging in the lives of those who choose to partake in that phenomenon a bit more directly. Yep, we're talking reality television. As she previously discussed, Demetria L. Lucas, contributing editor at The Root, is one of six professional women who will appear in a Bravo reality show titled Blood, Sweat & Heels. It airs this Sunday, Jan. 5, at 9 p.m. EST.

The premise is fairly clichéd: All six women are hustling, building their respective brands in media, entertainment, fashion, etc., in New York City.

In a candid exchange, Lucas chopped up it with The Root about a bunch of stuff, primarily whether she thought she would be compromising the integrity of her brand by appearing on a reality-TV show. Her engagement came up, too, since her fiance is featured—every now and then—on the show. Lucas prides herself on being a fairly open book, given her work as a life coach and dating expert. Even so, we were curious to know what her impetus was for doing the show, beyond the clichéd "I’m doing this to improve the perception of black women on TV."

 The Root: How does your professional work influence your relationships with your cast members, especially since issues relating to dating and marriage come up fairly often for successful women?

Demetria L. Lucas: For the last decade, dating and relationship talk has consumed my working life. I’m a life coach, have authored a dating advice book, A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-To Guide for Living Your Best Single Life, with another book, Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love coming in March. I was the relationships editor at Essence magazine for years, and before that an editor of romance novels at Harlequin. But when I’m off the clock, just like attorneys don’t like to give legal advice and CPAs don’t want to talk taxes, I don’t like to coach or advise over brunch or cocktails. When I have to, it’s frustrating.

In my downtime, I’d rather be a friend, not an expert, which means if someone shares their dating woes, I tend to lean back, listen and let them vent. No one wants to hear, “what you should do is ... ” when they didn’t ask. That said, if we’re chatting, and I think something is blatantly wrong or detrimental to a healthy relationship, I can slip into “coach” mode when it’s someone I care about.

TR: A media outlet once dubbed you the "black Carrie Bradshaw," and in Carrie’s case, she went through some pretty tumultuous times with her relationship with Mr. Big, which at times had women question just how much she knew about dating and love. Do you ever fear that you’ll have a disastrous moment in your personal life, akin to Carrie and Mr. Big’s “runaway groom” incident, that might cause your castmates to ridicule you, or question your professional advice?

DLL: Carrie Bradshaw was a convenient shorthand to describe me at the time. I was working as a relationship editor at Essence, penning a blog and book about my dating experiences in my 20s. Oh, and I live in New York.

Disastrous moments are a part of life, and they happen to everyone who lives long enough. I recently celebrated the seventh anniversary of my blog,ABelleinBrooklyn.com, which is a humorous take on all the things that have gone wrong in my personal life, from not setting boundaries, being assaulted by a friend, breakups, etc., and how I learned from those experiences. When something else disastrous happens, I’ll write about that, too, and try to find the bright side. Optimism is my signature trait.

My validity as a life coach and relationships columnist isn’t based on my personal life. I have a resume and a decade of experience to back up my profession. A lawyer who loses a case isn’t suddenly a hack, just like a CPA who misses a number isn’t inept. People, including life coaches, take hits like everyone else.

Oh, and Mr. Big and Carrie never should have been together anyway. The emotionally unavailable thrice-married guy who drags you along for 10 years, marries someone else while you’re “on break,” cheats on his wife with you and makes plans to move across country without telling you only makes a “good” husband in scripted TV and movies. As a huge SATC fan, I always wished Carrie went back to Aidan, or found someone like him. He wasn’t the guy she wanted, but the one she needed.

TR: In the show’s trailer, we see you weigh in on an issue relating to feminism and gender. Were you generally disappointed, or underwhelmed, by the group of ladies whom you were cast alongside, because of their views on these sorts of issues?

DLL: Surprised is a better word. This isn’t the first time I was approached about doing a reality show, only the first time I accepted the offer. What attracted me to the show is that each of the women are leaders—either they are running a business or have a solid business plan in place. So I was shocked to hear women who lead in their professional lives say that they didn’t think that is a woman’s role. "I’m sorry. What?" That conversation still boggles my mind.

To be frank, some of the opinions were startling, but that’s tolerable. The times I woke up wondering, “What have I gotten myself into?!” came from the behavior of some of my castmates, not their perspectives. I wear my thoughts on my face. When you watch, you’ll know every moment I’m referring to now.

 

Read more: here

Belle in WaPo (Again!): PG's 'ABIB' Heads to Reality TV

Bravocover“A Belle in Brooklyn” relationship columnist Demetria L. Lucas, who grew up in Prince George’s County and hit it big as a blogger with columns on dating advice for African-American women, is set to star in a reality television show.  “Blood, Sweat & Heels,” produced by Bravo, debuts Jan. 5 and features a group of women who are “movers and shakers in New York’s elite circles.” The other stars of the show are: a former “video vixen” turned realtor; Melyssa Ford, a real estate firm partner, Brie Bythewood; a modeling agency owner, Mica Hughes; an “affordable style” advice person Daisy Lewellyn; and “style scholar” Geneva S. Thomas.

Lucas, who was raised in Mitchellville and graduated from the University of Maryland College Park, said the reaction to the show’s trailer from her hometown has been amazing.

“People are very happy to see a ‘local girl’ or a ‘real Prince George’s girl’ on TV,” Lucas said. “The show is another gust of wind in what has been an unimaginable whirlwind for me. I’m from Maryland. I was taught a government job or a lobbyist job with benefits was the be-all and end-all. To break tradition and be a writer, then editor, then author, then TV personality is unbelievable to me.”

After graduating from the University of Maryland, Lucas moved to New York to attend NYU and received a masters in journalism. She began working for Harlequin, dissecting romance novels, when her friends started coming to her for relationship advice. She eventually became known as the “Black Carrie Bradshaw,” dispensing advice in a blog called “A Belle in Brooklyn.”

Her “Number One Rule” was simple: “Smile & Say, ‘Hi.’” Other advice: “If you want to meet a man, look like you want to meet a man. Lip gloss and comb never hurt anyone. Use both liberally.” And “Men don’t notice you across a room because of your brain. Give them something to look out for.”

She adds: “I’m very thankful to be a representative for thinking, responsible, educated Black women. I just wanted to chase a dream, my passion. I never thought it would take me this far or land me on TV.”

Lucas, who is now “happily engaged,” said, “”The cameras follow me and my fiancé, as I juggle way too much work, including celebrating my seventh year as a blogger and the publication of my second advice book, ‘Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love’.”

Read the article on The Washington Post: here

The Root: Why I Decided to Do A Reality Show

BelleShootMonday morning, entertainment trade magazine the Hollywood Reporter broke the news of an upcoming reality show, Blood, Sweat & Heels, which will debut on Bravo on Jan. 5. Since taping began in the spring, I’d been biting my tongue for months, alternately excited to reveal the news to my readers and, to be honest, afraid of what the reaction would be.

There’s no sense in beating around the clichéd bush: There are a lot of people who don’t think highly of reality TV or reality-TV stars, especially when there are black women involved. The women are all thought to be exploited or selling their souls, either searching for a quick come-up or in a desperate hunt for what Andy Warhol called “15 minutes of fame.”

I’ve been highly critical in my writing of the fighting, the bottle throwing and, in general, the bad behavior by women and men who have been depicted under the guise of entertainment. And yet I signed on to participate in a reality show anyway.

It’s not for the money. The salary for a starting season isn’t a number most would find impressive. And while there’s an opportunity to make some coin, most people don’t, and an uncommon number even lose all that they gain. Earlier this year the Huffington Post looked at the number of women with money problems among the 67 in Bravo’sReal Housewives franchise, and found that a startling 12 had filed for bankruptcy. My lawyer conveniently sent me a link to that story just before I signed my contract for the show. I still signed the contract.

I began blogging in 2006 because I couldn’t find a “character” like me on TV or in media, period. It had been years since Living Single went off the air, and as much as I loved Tracee Ellis Ross in Girlfriends, I needed an East Coast girl to relate to. I was a huge fan of Sex and the City and wondered how, in all of New York City, where people of color outnumber white folks, there wasn’t a black woman or any woman of color on the show. Black shows always got a token white person; why didn’t this white show?

I wanted to see a black woman who treated her city like a social playground, who thrived in her profession or was at least climbing the ladder, who had her relationship ups and downs as I did (and do) but still managed to have fun and remain optimistic. Black women were too often portrayed as tragic, excessively struggling, loving the wrong men hard and getting bitter as a result. That’s a story of black women, but it isn’t the only story, and it wasn’t my story or the story of the women I surrounded myself with. I was complaining that there were no women like me in media, until I stopped whining and started typing.

My blog was published on HoneyMag.com in 2007 and was immediately successful. Apparently, there were a lot of women like me, looking for someone like them. Who knew? The popularity of that blog led me to a position as the relationships editor at Essence magazine in 2007, where I eventually landed my own column about dating and relationships, which earned an award for Best Personal Blog in 2010. Then I earned a book deal based on my blog in 2011.

I’m told that a casting director of Blood, Sweat & Heels found me when she Googled “the Black Carrie Bradshaw,” a phrase that was used to describe me when the Washington Post did a profile about my blog and dating adventures in 2010. The producers originally conceived the show as a black Sex and the City, and I was a fit. When my manager told me about the show, the first thing I said was something like, “I’m not the black version of a white fictional TV character. I’m me. They have to want that.”

 

Read more: here 

The Root: Why Don't All Women Think They Can Lead?

Screen Shot 2014-01-03 at 5.06.36 PM"Can a woman really make a good leader?"

I rolled my eyes dramatically and looked out at the Brooklyn, N.Y., skyline. I'd been invited to a rooftop event, a monthly brunch when a group of mostly accomplished women, with degrees and jobs and probably a side hustle or two, gather to network.

Usually I prefer brunches where attendees are left to their own devices to sip champers and talk among ourselves about whatever strikes our fancy. But this particular hostess organizes the conversation, an icebreaker of sorts to make sure we're all engaged. This isn't a bad idea. I just wished that the topic she'd picked was something juicy that would spark some quality debate. Usually we discuss dating and relationships, but this day she was branching out.

Back in March, the New York Times posed a similar question as the topic for its popular "Room for Debate" series. Across the Internet, women collectively were offended that the question even was being asked in 2013. There have been several studies by the Harvard Business Review suggesting that not only are women fit to lead but they also make better leaders, a conclusion reached by men and women alike.

It's a foregone conclusion with a resounding yes -- yes! A woman can lead. Asking about women's capability as if it is somehow up for debate is like seriously asking, "Do you think water is wet enough?" The flak over the Times' question was so bad that the publication ran a follow-up storyon all the negative feedback.

So there I sat, surrounded by women, gazing blankly at the Barclays Center in the distance and wondering what woman in her right mind was going to say, "No, no -- I, woman, think a woman would make an unfit leader simply because she is a woman."

And then the woman sitting next to me spoke up. "Well, it depends," she began, instead of giving the "Uh, duh" I expected to hear.

"Women are more emotional, and we have PMS and that affects our thinking," she said. "I would only support a woman leader if her No. 2 was a man who could check to make sure she was being logical and giving a rational opinion."

I like to think of myself as quick-witted, but on this day, I was uncharacteristically slow. I'm used to hearing this sort of opinion from some men, mostly unintentional misogynists or those well-meaning men who are clueless (or in denial) about male privilege and would like to pretend that their perks are God's will instead of a social construction. But I didn't expect a woman -- not in 2013 -- to think she couldn't do anything a man can do.

I was raised by a mother who might shy away from calling herself a feminist because of the bra-burning, man-hating (both incorrect) associations. But she told me until I internalized it, "You can do anything a boy can do" (and anything I set my mind to).

 

BSH: Is It Ever Okay to Snoop on Your Mate?

Screen Shot 2013-04-28 at 8.32.50 PMOver the weekend, I attended a brunch where I had an interesting discussion with a few women, some of who hold a rather cynical view of relationships. The cynics believed that all men are capable cheating, and further this makes them justified in snooping through emails, cell phones, voicemails and stalking her significant other (and all potentials for the position) on social media. Their position: if you don't check that a man is cheating, then how do you really know he isn't? Le sigh. 

Admittedly, this outlook isn't exactly farfetched. According to a study on Men's Fitness, 70 percent of women do an online search before agreeing to go out with a guy, and 63 percent of guys do the same before going on a first date. The same poll also found that 49 percent  of women have checked their lover's computer history, and 76 percent go through the e-mail inbox if it's "accidentally" left open.

If you've ever read anything I've written on cheating and snooping, then you know my position: this is ludicrous. All of it.

Do all men have capability of cheating? Of course. (All women do too.) Do all men-- or women-- cheat? No. There are people, including men, who don't. There is a type of person who is or becomes dissatisfied or just desires what you aren't offering and they leave to explore other horizons as a single person who can do as they please with no accountability to anyone but themselves. That's the type of person we should all desire to be with.

If that's not the type of person you believe you are with, snooping is still not okay. Here's the thing, digging through pockets and cracking passwords is a sign that you don't trust your mate. Trust (and communication) are the core foundations of any relationship. If you lack trust, then I have to wonder why you are there. And further, if you believe all men cheat and you're not okay with cheating, then why do you even want a man? If you have this outlook, either you putting up with cheating or staying with a man who cheats is the inevitable outcome, no?

I threw that logic out there and was met with this: D, you can't really know if a man is cheating unless you check. You should respect yourself enough to want to know the whole truth.

To which I countered: you should have more faith in yourself enough to pick a good mate and know when something's up.

One of the women shot back that she was once engaged-- her first of four times--  after six months of dating. Via snooping she found that the man she was betrothed to had a long-term girlfriend. She said she had no suspicions that there was another woman; she was just going through her routine look-see into his emails. "How else would I have known about her if I hadn't looked?" she asked.

I countered that if she dated him longer-- you know how I feel about dating for seasons to get to know people-- she more than likely would have found out. I also think there were some major signs she must have overlooked. He's juggling two serious relationships and she had no clue whatsoever that something was amiss?

Another woman added that she snooped on her ex and discovered that he had four women on the side. She knew something was up when they had plans to return home after a vacation, and suddenly he had to fly to another destination "for business." So she snooped, found about the other women, and actually gave a call to at least one of them for more information.

"For what?" I asked.

She wanted details.

"But why did they matter?"

I was so baffled by her admission that I don't remember her answer. (My core view on calling another woman to ask about your man is that is her man, not "yours". I mean, she has more information on "your" alleged man than you do, right?)

Back to that first "thing" though: if you genuinely think your partner is lying, then whether they are or not is irrelevant. It's still time to go, either to the exit, or if it's worth it, to a therapist. A relationship without trust is inherently dysfunctional, and going nowhere fast.

I wish more women would recognize this, this being that it's okay to just trust themselves. There's no need to reduce yourself to a a crazed super-sleuth by digging through emails and social media platforms. They're making a simple issue unnecessarily complicated. Trust yourself to pick a good mate. If you can't trust him, leave. Find someone you can trust, and if you can't do that, head to a therapist-- it's not the domain of a life coach-- who can help you deal with your own trust issues.

And this leads me to a second thing: What if you snoop-- with no intentions of getting caught, of course-- and find nothing… but then your partner finds out you're snooping? That's a huge violation, a  flashing red sign that you don't trust him, and a sign that he can't trust you. What kind of relationship is that?