I don't talk about sex on here very often. I think it's one of those things that I should just do (safely, of course) and not chit-chat about. Just think it's a little crass (plus, my father and other family are reading.) And yes, I know that sounds crazy considering what I do for a living (if you know, you know. If you don't, you don't), but I edit stories about sex There. For varied reasons, I don't write the sex articles. Anyway, I make a big deal about today's topic upfront because the comments as of late indicate we have some conservative readers— which is fine— and that's why I'm giving the head's up in case you wanna click the little X in the corner right now.
I'm prepping for an interview next week and so I'm reading this (very popular) author's new book about Black relationships and what's wrong with them. What I've read so far is all about this deep mistrust that Black people have toward each other and how we can move beyond it. Interesting stuff. I got to the part about the perceptions Black men have of Black women.... and it was insightful, if not disturbing, and possibly valid.
Let me go back for a minute. I did this story for ESSENCE awhile back called "The Body Shop." It was about Black women who were pursuing "sexual perfection" by taking oral sex classes, pole dancing classes, and getting black market silicone injected into their bootys so they'd have rumps like Serena. Now, the black market injections are admittedly crazy and dangerous (and done my non-medical professionals). The oral sex classes or the pole classes? eh... I didn't advocate for it one way or another in the article, but my general feeling is: if that's what it takes to please your man WHO IS ALSO INTO PLEASING YOU, then go on and do the damn thing.
A lot of women saw things my way. Multiple women came to this site (listed on the contributors page), and e-mailed me to ask where they could get oral sex classes in their city. (Still working on a list. They are surprisingly not abundant.) Looking up the pole-classes is a lot easier (there was segment on The Oprah Winfrey Show about it so they're pretty mainstream) so I guess that's why nobody asked about that.
There was another segment of the population who reacted to the suggestion of taking classes to please/keep a man like I'd threatened to asassinate a popular political leader. The idea of doing anything sexual to keep/please a man — even their man, not just some random one— was near blasphemous. I mean I got nailed to the cross (cue someone's grandmother) for just writing about women who wanted to please a man sexually, not even for advocating it.
So with that in mind, I chuckled to myself when I came across a list of quoted complaints from Black men (many of which I'd already heard in some form from my guy friends) on their general perceptions of Black women in bed:
"She won't go down on me."
"My Ex acted like making love was a chore... like she was doing me a favor."
"Once in the middle of passion I told her to bite my nipples and talk dirty, and she said, 'I'm not that kind of girl.'"
"My Ex said to me once, 'if I did what you asked me to do, you'd think I was a ho."
"My girlfriend makes me take a shower after we have sex before she will even touch [my penis] again. If I go down on her, she won't let me kiss her afterward."
And so I wondered, what Black women are doing— or not— in bed that leave Black men thinking, in general, that we're sexually repressed? Would you take an oral sex class? Swing from a pole or make it clap? Would you swallow? (Half or you gasped. The other half said, "who doesn't?") Are you sexually willing— or unwilling— to please your man? (Note the italicized distinction. I'm not talking about some random dude.) And where do you draw the line?
PS- And when you write "anon" as your name, at least add some ID detail so people can reply to your comments. We don't have time stamps on the comments anymore. LOL!