I have a great life. Mostly because I am surrounded my great, hilarious, overly observant people. (Leads me to believe that I am doing something right.) I compiled a few of the crazy, random thoughts that they’ve said over the last month or so. And yes, the names are changed to protect the nutty.
I would love to write each of their stories in a complete blog, but I’m saving the good stuff for the book :-) Just wanted to give you a taste of what’s eventually coming and the fools (said with love) that inspire me to write.
Hope you find this as funny this time around as you did last time.
‘’I appreciate your respect for my gangsta.'’- a lesbian chick @ Night of the Cookers, who fed a beautiful woman, left with her, and came back 15 minutes later with a different, equally beautiful woman. (My boys dapped her up for her flawless pimp skills.)
‘’I think I’m an imaginary hoe'’- Ace @ Republic having a moment of reflection while watching the men go by and lusting mightily.
‘’I saw balls!'’- a conservative, Christian woman, recapping an episode of HBO’s Tell Me You Love Me. In the hour long premiere, she saw a man ‘getting happy by himself'’, a 60 y.o. woman giving head to her husband, a hand job, and a few other graphic sex scenes. She called to ask if I’d seen it and more importantly, if I knew when the next episode would air.
Man A: ‘’What I got to do with that bitch being pregnant? I ain’t tell that ho I wanted a kid.'’ Man B: ‘’Man, these hookers out here…'’ -overheard conversation b/w 2 guys while walking through Brooklyn Heights, confirming (again) my belief that a lot of heterosexual men like p***y but not women. (I stumbled when he called the woman a hoe.)
‘’You’re a horrible wingman'’ -Timothy, an amazingly beautiful platonic male friend (we love each other as friends, would commit simultaneous suicide if we were in a relationship) after he met several of my women friends and I absentmindedly failed to put in a good word for him (Sorry, women don’t have to do that.) ‘’Well, you had the chance to have me, D, now you’re in my Save for Later box too…'’ - Fidel, an absolutely gorgeous platonic male friend, smugly informing me that my window of opportunity had closed after I wondered out loud about the panty-dropping effect he has on most women (I’ve never seen a fully clothed man get so much attention.)
‘’Is this coincidence or you think it actually means something?'’- Rome, who is chocolate-dipped in masculine essence, after in a week’s time I bumped into him on the train, two parties the following night, a party the next day, the train again coming home from work that Friday, a party three days later, then again on the train the following morning. (I’ve bumped into him 2 more times since I initially wrote this blog. Last night he saw me again and said, ‘’I'm sick of seeing you now…. Joke.'’)
‘’Relationships are like working an assembly line. You tighten a screw, loosen a bolt and each woman passes him on to the next worker. Eventually he’s complete, then someone buys him and takes him home.'’ –Celice the Brilliant over brunch at my new favorite BK restaurant.
‘’My phone stopped ringing. This must be what women feel like'’- Shane in SoHo, the week after he decided to go celibate and informed all his ladyfriends.
‘’You have to look your best. Try to have sex the night before.'’- Hov’s advice on how to up my swagger and clear up my skin for an upcoming event. (Pray for me. Right now. Bow your head and send up a prayer to Bless me.)
‘’I don’t write, I get high and ignite?! That’s a metaphor for your ass'’ - a BK teenager going crazy in the street at 9AM over a Wayne line. (I’m impressed by the lyric, more impressed that the kid knew a metaphor when he heard one outside the classroom. An English teacher somewhere is on point.)
"Do you know how bad it is when she doesn't swallow? When a woman spits out my seed like it's disgusting? It just hurts. You have no idea, just no idea." - a drunk, very emotional man on the walk to the train at 3:30 am (don't ask). This is what I get for trying to discuss feelings with a group of (gorgeous, tall, usually articulate) men post-club.**
"Everybody doesn't get to live the dream"- Carmen's boss, explaining why she is lucky to work where she does (Evidently she has no idea how much she hates her job.)
"Womp womp"--Exie's cousin in the background after Exie declines via phone my post-midnite invite to hang out. (He's now mad that I don't take him seriously or call at decent hours. Who is the chick in this relational (see forthcoming blog by a guest writer for definition)?)
“I don’t know why he’s playing. The closet door is open, the light it on, but he’s in the back trying to hide behind the coats. I’m like ‘hallo, we can see your feet!’”– Ace on why a shared acquaintence should just confirm to his wife (and us) what we’ve all known for a decade
**I've been avoiding the Learn to Swallow Blog for months. I see I'm going to have to suck it up and just do it (no pun intended.)