"Just f*ck your wife."

Yesterday’s blog was purely gratuitous. I usually try to make a point, but sometimes all I want to do is laugh. I still can’t get over people documenting their affair and illegal job-related activity on their government-issued phones. (And for all you people doing the same on your work computers, even from your personal account, um, yes, they can pull all that if need be.) But I think we should learn something from Kilpatrick’s and Beatty’s fuck ups, along with the fuck ups of a couple of Northeast politicians.

I’ve had this blog in my phone for awhile (wrote it before I could figure out how to pull the essays off) so I apologize in advance for the dated subject matter. However, I think several points are still relevant.

Sometime in early April

What is going on in Northeast politics? Spitzer steps down after he's caught patronizing whores to the tune of 80k over 10 months and faces federal charges for transporting her over state lines. He's replaced by Paterson (full disclosure: 4 years ago I applied for a job in communications at his city office. They tried to send me to Albany instead- no go.) Paterson gets sworn in and immediately confesses to cheating on his wife at a Days Inn near his Harlem office. He also took his wife there to add some spark to their marriage at the recommendation of his therapist. (The Days Inn is the best we can do? Your fucking your wife at a Days Inn because it is close to your office?) I can spend another 1000 words detailing his confessions in the days after this one. They involve more women, alleged videotape, and the use of campaign funds to cheat.

The same day, NJ governor McGreevey, the dude who confessed he was boning his male staffer and had given him a job in his administration though he was unqualified (state security advisor?!). So yeah, that dude, confesses that he and his wife used to have threesomes with his boy toy (of course, she denies it.)

Not in the Northeast, but his fuck ups and gangster are of such monumental proportion that he deserves a mention here. Kwame "it was good and I want some more'' Kilpatrick, who was indicted on a million charges and faces a billion years in prison. The 14k in text messages to his friend with benefits on his government issued phone was bad enough. Now a civil suit looms for the death of a dead stripper, supposedly an entertainer at a party held at the mayor's mansion (if ever there was a time to take the fun to the closest Day's Inn, this was it.) And the city council has now voted to kick him out of office, to which he is ignoring because the vote is "irrelevant." (Just last week a coalition of Black Detroit Women rallied to support him. "Black women will forgive Lucifer," my coworker quipped upon hearing this development.) He's still got the kids, his wife, his job, his freedom and his law license-- for now. (He'll probably only end up with the kids.) Fuckery, just fuckery.

People, what can we learn from all these scandals? I suggest the following:

1) Just fuck your wife. No one ever got in trouble for having consensual sex with their own wife. Marry a woman who likes all the kinky nasty shit you like and do it with her. When it gets boring and you think you've tried everything, role play. Do all the same kinky nasty shit, but put on costumes, use accents, and pretend you are different people doing it to get things fresh again.

2) If you must fuck someone else, for the love of God, don't lie about it under oath. Plead the fif. (This advice comes from a lawyer and former West Coast, big- city Mayor, who advised this at dinner at Red Eye Grill to a bunch of political insiders. Don’t ask. My circles run wide.) If someone's asking you while you're under oath if you fucked someone besides your wife, there is a good chance they know you did it. They just want to hear you say it. Clinton didn't almost get impeached for fucking, he almost got impeached for lying about fucking (or um, sucking.) Kilpatrick didn't get indicted for fucking, he got indicted for lying and trying to cover up the fucking. Spitzer.. Well, that fool was on some next shit. (How are you prosecuting hoe-rings when you're patronizing hoes? I'm not sure what we should be learning from him. Maybe don’t go hard on the people you got dirt with?)

3) Don't spend campaign funds on fucking! Paterson, the first black and blind mayor, has put it all at risk over a few hundred or thousand dollars. He's embarrassed his poor wife (did she really have a J.O.? And if so, why can't he be found?), his poor children (teenagers), and has provided endless material to laugh about for the foreseeable future. Unless he does something amazingly phenomenal or more notorious, he will always be known as "who Paterson? The Black blind guy who got it in at the Days Inn?" That legacy is fine if you're Day Day* on the block; But not if you briefly ran the state of New York.

What more can we learn, people? Let’s find the positive spin on these notorious and baffling fuck-ups.

* long live The Wire