So there's not going to be a real blog today.
Reason One: I wrote an ill blog about exes on my phone on the way to work. My phone died before I could save it and I'm too pissed to re-write it.
Reason Two: Around 2pm, one of the higher-ups sticks her head over my cubicle and says, "uh, D?"
Oh no. Today is the first slow day. I've finally stopped feeling lost and running into my boss's office every five seconds to ask basic questions. I'm enjoying my brief period of coasting and this new feeling of being finally found. By her tone, I gather that I'm still lost, i.e., I fucked up.
In so many words she asks, "Can you build another pyramid and some more hanging gardens, solve the mystery of Stonehenge and accomplish world peace?"
Being the dutiful newbie trying to prove my worth, I take it all in, nod, and say, "of course I can. But you don't need it by today, right?" I'm guessing I can do all this by Monday if I skip out on tonight's birthday dinner for a friend, the impending after party and stay home to write and research the entire weekend. I mean I'm a Black woman; I can do anything, right? (Cue Alicia Keys "Superwoman" now.)
She laughs at my naivety. "Of course, not. If you can get it done by first thing tomorrow, that would be great."
I sit for a moment and take it all in. In the split-second I feel overwhelmed and unable to rise to the occasion; I get an AIM from a friend at my old job. "You will not believe this shit," it reads.
The person goes on to tell me about that morning's staff meeting. Apparently as part of the company’s latest Save the Dusky Natives in the Third World charity campaign, they announce a decision to make and send stuffed llama toys to children for Christmas. Never mind that the impoverished country they are sending stuffed llamas to is Muslim. (This isn't even the good part.) After the employee meeting, the higher-ups excitedly tell the staff that they've brought in unstuffed llamas and stuffing so that the staff can make their very own stuffed llamas to send to the third world country. Everyone to the small conference room for mandatory stuffing!
I am hysterical reading this AIM exchange. I laugh so hard I get tears.
My ex co-worker is outraged. "Llamas, D. Fucking llamas. If the children are impoverished, then they need food, shelter, clothing, shoes, books, education, healthcare. But we're sending them fucking llamas?! Llamas."
I put it all in perspective and realize that I am blessed to be asked to re-create 2 wonders of the world, solve mysteries that have eluded deep-thinkers for years, and save humanity from itself. There are high expectations here. I welcome them. Things could be worse. I could have a master's degree and been sitting at a table stuffing llamas.
I'm going now so that I can accomplish the impossible by 10am.