Beauty Fades: The ROI Story

I woke up this morning wondering what to write. I meant to edit something together yesterday, but I had a one-day roundtrip flight to Toronto for work. 7:20 AM flight after partying till 2:30 at the Chrisette/ Henny party at Nikki Midtown the night before. (Not a good idea in retrospect.) I was in no place to put together a coherent thought before a good night's sleep. And even after 6 straight hours (I was on the phone high-school style talking to my new crush till the middle of the night), my mind pulled a blank. Thankfully, one of my muses (GVG) sent me an e-mail that served as inspiration, and in part, today's post.

If you read my very first blog, you know that I have a special disdain for Beautiful But Superficial folk. This city is packed with them--women who rely on heir beauty to compensate for a personality (and in some cases a brain) and wonder why they can't find a good man. Hello? Because you are not a good woman. These folk expect the world, offer nothing at all but a pretty face, and have the nerve to wonder why "lesser" women pull dudes.

Someday I'll tell the story (in my book) of my arch-enemy, the eternally-single, beautiful model chick who pouts to get her way with men and women, behaves like a spoiled brat (damn near tantrum) and whines when she is not appeased. Model Chick is in her late 20s and perpetually in search of a "may-ann" to wife her because she is beautiful and she deserves it. Every week I see her on the arm of a different fine fellow. And the following week, I see another woman on his arm. Some woman who he actually listens to when she is speaking. Some woman who he doesn't leave waiting at the bar or the table while he talks to "lesser" women or his boys. Some woman who may not be as beautiful as Model Chick, but some woman who has caught and kept the fine fellow's attention. (Cue Erykah Badu on "Cleva," - 'your booty might be bigga, but I still can pull your n—a').

I'll flow from that story to the one about my father's friend, who divorced his first wife for a younger woman. All was good till the young woman got old too. You can look at her now and tell she was beautiful, but her glory years have long passed. She is in her late 50s, looks like she's in her mid-70s. Her husband talks to her like a child because she acts and thinks and behaves like one. (She pouts too.) The four of us sat at dinner one night in Miami and only 3 of us engaged in conversation. (Hubby had her on ignore the whole night.) She can barely hold a conversation (real talk) and relies on the toss of her thinning, waist -length ponytail to curry favor. Old, formerly beautiful women with nothing to say ain't a pretty picture, folks.

I say all that to say: ladies, please cultivate a good personality. It will take you far, far beyond your looks. Beauty fades, babes.

Now onto the inspiration for today's post: (Gosh, I wish I had the original link to this!)


[She says:]

What am I doing wrong? Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips?

I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, Investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

[He says:]

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and old…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease.

In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.” I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.